The Known Universe
by Spring Haze
Summary: Eames makes a decision to be a surrogate mother for her sister’s child, and she tells Goren
1. Chapter 1

The Known Universe  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters mentioned below belong to me, nor does LOCI.  
  
Description: Eames makes a decision to be a surrogate mother for her sister's child, and then she tells Goren  
  
Author Notes: This may be a bit tangential, but they probably aren't going to address it much on the show, so I thought I would try. It seems deserving of attention, at least to me. I hope I kept it at least a little relevant.   
  
Also, I do briefly mention Eames' dead husband. I'm not sure if that is common knowledge. I read an interview with Kathryn Erbe (it was a tiny article in a (Chicago?) newspaper) in which she says that Eames is a widow, although they probably won't ever get around to mentioning it on the show. Just so you know that I didn't make that up.   
  
I really appreciate everyone's feedback on my other stories. Thank you!  
  
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Chapter 1.  
  
He is the star, beautiful and brilliant. He is the star, threatening to collapse in on himself-- bent on becoming a black hole into which everything tumbles, and nothing comes out. He is the glowing body, born and reborn.  
  
And she is the universe, expanding forever, hardly noticed but for the bright object she contains. She is the backdrop against which the star is born, explodes, and dies everyday. She is always there, but never acknowledged.   
  
Therefore, it doesn't seem strange to her to consider her sister's proposition.   
  
The universe is infinite. She has more than enough room for two stars.  
  
**********************  
  
Eames walks a fine line. Every day is more precarious than the last. Monday she is pointing a gun at someone. Tuesday she is examining bloody hand prints on a bathroom mirror. Thursday and Friday she is tracking down a killer. Saturday she is holding her partner back from the brink. And Sunday she is walking through a New York City park.  
  
Today is Sunday. And the park is dirty with re-frozen winter.  
  
She sits on a bench and closes her eyes, grateful for whatever semblance of nature she can find. Sickly trees behind her point their angry, knotted fingers at the sky. The grass below her is crunchy and brown. And yet she still tries to take solace in her escape from cement.  
  
She watches people walk by, mostly kids, some couples.   
  
Her mind wanders and she imagines what it would be like to never feel alone.   
  
Then an image of Goren appears unbidden before her mind's eye, and she imagines what it would be like to have her life to herself.  
  
She thinks back on the week behind her, and sees nothing but Goren. Goren sniffing a body. Goren going just a tad too far in an interrogation. Goren with his head in his hands after cracking the case that three departments couldn't.  
  
She sees herself-- following his lead, holding him back, prodding him into action.  
  
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.  
  
She considers that she is like one of the park fountains that have been shut down for the winter. Drained, except for a collection of dead leaves at the bottom. Remnants of life.  
  
It wasn't like this before she knew him. Her life was quite different. She was hard-working and dedicated, yes. But she had some separation between Detective Eames and Alexandra Eames.   
  
She wonders that she was ever called Alex on a daily basis. The name sounds slightly foreign to her now, like a childhood nickname that only her Great-Aunt Betty still uses. Alex.  
  
She forms the word with her mouth. Al-ex.  
  
Then she says out loud, "Eames".  
  
She resigns herself to it.   
  
And as the sun goes down in the park, the chill of night runs through her body. Nothing in her life has gone as planned.  
  
*************************  
  
Eames sits in her living room, which she has decorated with care. Even it seems part of a former life. There are pictures of her mother, her father, her siblings.   
  
There is one picture of her husband on the coffee table in the corner. She put it there deliberately. Out of the way, but still present.  
  
He died almost a decade ago. Now he is a happy memory, like a best friend from elementary school. Forever preserved in youth. Someone to be recalled with love and fondness from time to time.  
  
On another table, there is a picture of her and her father. She is 16, and wearing an atrocious blue sequined prom dress. She looks popular and pretty. Her father looks proud and still young.  
  
Without looking in the mirror, Eames knows there are lines on her own face. Lines of experience and knowledge. And lines of exhaustion.  
  
She looks around her home. It is an apartment-sized photo album. She wonders why she has put so many pictures up. It suddenly seems excessive.  
  
But she doesn't wonder for very long, as a wave of loneliness hits her hard. Pictures of a former life only go so far to comfort.  
  
Day follows day, Hour follows hour, minute follows minute. Everything changes, all the time. It's hard to keep up.  
  
At 11:00 she settles into her bed, and sleeps in preparation for another week, when she will again become a prop in someone else's play.  
  
*********************************  
  
The day of the week has come when she is supposed to rein him in. Check him. Pull him back on track.   
  
And she tries. Dear god, she tries. But today, it just isn't in her. So Goren stumbles around, humming a tune of random insights, losing valuable time while someone escapes.   
  
He babbles incoherently. At least, she can't make out his words. Maybe someone else could. But not her, not today. So she makes phone calls, checks facts, pulls records. She does what she knows how to do; she does what she can.  
  
He looks at her in confusion. Then he spends the rest of the day wandering aimlessly through muddled ideas and loosely connected events.  
  
That evening she calls her sister. A younger version of herself. Eames thinks of her as the path not taken. Her sister is married, content, and unhurried. But even she has something missing from her life.  
  
Eames has made up her mind. If she is destined to be a vessel, then she will do it on her own terms.  
  
She agrees to become the universe for a new star. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2.  
  
2 months later…  
  
It feels odd for him not to know. Here is a man who is almost omniscient in his knowledge, and yet he hasn't got a clue. She has never faced the problem of keeping something from him before. There was never anything to hide. In his eyes, face value is the sum of her worth. And that was how she wanted it.  
  
She leaves in the middle of the day, when tests indicate that her body is most receptive to implantation. She leaves him with no explanation, and says she won't be back until the morning.   
  
He is irritated with her, and when he is irritated, he becomes quiet. She doesn't have the time or the will to offer an excuse, so she just goes.  
  
Eames has to tell him. She isn't sure if she should wait until she finds out if one the embryos implanted in her uterus is going to stick around, or if she should tell him now.  
  
She expects it to shock him, maybe remind him that she goes on existing when she goes home at night. Sometimes she wonders if he was the type of kid who thought his teachers slept at school. Probably.  
  
It means she will have to leave him, for a time. This simultaneously excites and frightens her. She loves her work and lives for it, so she can't envision a life without it, even for a few months. At the same time, she wants to try. The feeling reminds her of the first time she left her parent's home. Everything is possible, but the unknown is a little terrifying.  
  
She isn't sure what she'll think in 9 months. She spent a long time asking herself the obvious questions before she agreed to this. What will it be like to give birth to a being that does not belong to her? Will she be heartbroken to give it up? Will she just be happy to get it out?   
  
She doesn't romanticize pregnancy or child birth. If she did, she probably would have had a child of her own long ago. She knows it is a messy, gritty, and difficult journey.   
  
But not as messy, gritty, and difficult as raising a child. That will be her sister's burden. She only wonders briefly if she will feel like she is missing out. Eames knows she is a practical sort of person, and she has never considered herself particularly maternal. If anyone has the temperament for surrogacy, she does.  
  
Surely Goren knows something is going on, but this will be the last thing he expects. She decides to wait to tell him. In a defiant way, she enjoys the idea of her body holding a secret, one that he could never guess.  
  
****************************************  
  
3 weeks later…  
  
She is pregnant. It's not the way she always thought it would be, since it isn't her child. But she is happy and oddly proud of herself none the less. She is thrilled to do this for her sister.   
  
This week she must give Goren the news. She thinks of different words she can use to tell him.   
  
'I just wanted to let you know that I'm pregnant. Now, what were you saying about the blood spatter pattern?'  
  
'Well, see, a few months ago I was feeling kind of depressed, so I thought why not go ahead and have a baby for my sister? That'll spice up my life!'  
  
Instead she settles on waiting until the end of their current case and taking him out to lunch on the usual paperwork-laden day after.  
  
She starts out with a clichéd joke about eating for two, and almost hits her forehead with her palm as soon as she says it.   
  
He looks up from his menu just for a second, and then looks back down like she never said anything. So she tries a different tactic.  
  
She launches into a long explanation of her sister's life. She talks about her husband and her house.   
  
Goren seems confused as to why she is telling him any of this.  
  
Then she prepares to drop the bomb. She tells him that her sister has had 5 miscarriages due to a common infertility problem. She explains that her own life is about her work, and her sister's life is about her family, so she wanted to help in whatever way she could.   
  
She stops there as she watches understanding dawn on him.   
  
She needn't say much more, but she doesn't like to mince words. So she flat-out says that she is pregnant as a surrogate for her sister.  
  
He is clearly stunned. He utters a few words expressing his awe of her. Then he has the decency to look happy. He gives her a small smile, a pat on the hand, and congratulations.  
  
Either out of ignorance, denial, or fear of the answer, he doesn't ask the obvious question— how long would she be gone?   
  
So she pre-emptively tells him she will have to take leave for just a few weeks in her third trimester, but she will be on desk duty for a few months before that.  
  
She sees his emotions flit across his face. In his eyes, he looks betrayed, although he would never say so. His grim mouth looks a bit… jealous. Then his forehead crinkles and he looks panicked.   
  
Nothing much she could say right then would pull Goren out of his spiral of self-pity. But she cares deeply for him, so out of compassion she tells him that he will be fine, and working without her is like being a fish without a bicycle, to paraphrase Gloria Steinem.   
  
He shrugs off her comment and keeps a worried look on his face for several weeks.  
  
The truth is that she can't help but be slightly gratified that he is conscious of her significance.   
  
***************************  
  
9 months later…  
  
A star is born.  
  
Eames feels indispensable. A new being exists because of her, even if it is not made of her.  
  
She has never seen her sister so happy. Her sister's life is changed forever, and for the better. It is such a departure from her years of work.  
  
Being a detective is about death and justice. This was about life and love.   
  
Her composition has changed, but not so much that she can't wait to get back to where she now fully understands she belongs.   
  
Over the months of her pregnancy, she saw Goren struggle to get a hold on his own intensity and on their partnership. She saw him lose control, jump without looking, and trip over his own two feet.   
  
She wasn't there to catch him, so he fell a few times. She wasn't around to subvert gravity, and she knew he missed the soft landing she provided. The laws of earthly physics suddenly applied to him.  
  
When they talked during the time she was not partnered with him, she saw in him a deeper respect and a profound understanding. And through his eyes, she saw her intrinsic value.   
  
Eames was right to think that she had plenty of room. She will savor being the cosmos for a luminous genius that is born and reborn every day. For without her, he wouldn't exist as the world knows him. 


End file.
